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If there is a God, I've been abandoned.....

aFriendIndeed started this conversation

Divorced mom of 2 of the most awesome children anyone could dream up!  Diagnosed with liver disease in 2000 and separated a year later, I've been working very hard to learn different ways to take care of myself and keep myself as well and functional as possible while raising my children to be strong, independent individuals.

I hate asking anyone for help and as wealthy as my family are, they will not do anything for anyone.  I have a sister that donates thousands of dollars to help others, but will not help family, a dad that only thinks he has one daughter when he has 3 and grandparents and aunts and uncles who donate scholarships and oodles of money to others, but just don't value family (unless, of course, you're as wealthy as them and want to take them to brunch).  It's as if it's all about clout, not the actual giving.  When I was well, I helped so many people.  I let people live in my home, helped people get off drugs, gave food and money.  I helped people with Christmas gifts for their children.  I volunteered and donated my time for people not even looking for volunteers.  I've always tried to help the people around me.  I have always been the one people call at 3am when they're upset or been through a loss.  Why is it that when my life turns upside-down, everyone who called themselves a friend disappears?

I worked very hard after high school to put myself through college and worked my way up the ladder in business to a management lvl position in a medical clinic.  When they found out I was sick, they attempted to force my resignation, than when I refused, they called me into a room with 6 bosses and a company attorney and fired me.  I had never even missed a day of work.  That was 3 years ago and since, cannot find a position that I can actually function with.  Who wants an employee that comes in late or has to leave early or just has to stop working every so often to rest?  Who wants an employee that can do the work some days and not others?  I type 80 wpm, but only for a couple hours a day, than my fingers hurt too badly.  I have the ability to do so much, but can't.  It's so frustrating.  And if I do feel good and go out on a limb and do extra while I can, than I suffer so badly later for it and can't even move the part of my body I used.  Sometimes it's non-stop pain, sometimes it's intermittant, but the fatigue and mood swings are intense all the time.

Since my initial dx of liver disease in 2000, I have also been diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroid disease, seronegative arthritis, fibromyalgia, bp disorder and a list of other nasties that alone would put any normal person in bed.  I'm not quite sure of the bp disorder.  I think my mood swings are due to the fact that I'm so sick all the time....not some organic or chemical illness.  I've been through hell and had to find ways to deal with my emotional state.  I don't want to be down, so I think I try and "act as if" I'm okay, but than when I can't, I appear to be having mood swings. 

But I have children that need me.  Unfortunately, at 12 and 15, I feel like I need them more now.  They are amazing.  My daughter is a gymnast and cheerleader with aspirations to be a pediatrician someday.  My son is in ROTC, football and German club and is just an amazing chef!

I continue to try to work.  The position I currently have started at 40 hrs a week and has dwindled to 16 hrs now.  I do merchandising which allows me to schedule myself and work at my own pace.  Sometimes, even skimping by doing very little.  The job is a blessing, although I'm able to work so little now that it doesn't help much anymore.  I'm becoming scared.  I've even had this boss tell me to "take some time off" recently, which in my experience means something more like, we're getting ready to fire you.

My doctors don't want me to work at all, but I always joke "Doc, we live in different worlds" when they tell me to quit and apply for SSI.  I know the drill with Social Security.  You apply, get denied and than fight tooth and nail for however long until you have nothing left but the shoes on your feet.  Even then, you're lucky to be considered disabled.

I'm so sick all the time.  I try to explain to people the feeling of having the worst flu and hangover all in one every single day.  I feel like I have no where to turn.  I'm scared to lose my children if I can't afford to take care of them.  As it is, I'm so far in debt from medical bills, I couldn't get help from anywhere if I tried, and there are warrants out for my arrest because I can't pay medical bills or make it to the hearings.  Even if I could make it to those hearings I probably wouldn't....Why?? So they can garnish the little bit of money I do have coming in?!!!  Who came up with the law that if you can't pay, you either come to court to allow garnishment, or go to jail for contempt and have to pay the amount of the bill to get out???  It's ridiculous. If I could pay my bills I would.  I did when I could.  I've never even had a credit card.  I don't abuse credit.   

I'm currently fighting for disability Medicaid to pay my medical bills and prescriptions.  I try to explain that without my medications, I can't work, but without Medicaid I can't get my medication and see my doctor, but it doesn't work like that.  I suppose they will end up reevaluating me when I'm totally incapacitated and homeless because that's where it appears to be going.  If I end up denied, the medical care will cease and I will not be able to function at all.

I'm really scared and desperate.  I need help, but I don't even know where to turn anymore.  I have approximately 6 hours a day where I feel semi-normal.  I still have the pain and fatigue, but I can work through it.  Usually about 3 hours in the morning and 3 in the later afternoon, than I'm done.  My body wakes me up between 4 and 5am and I'm done by noon.  Like I'm 85, not 35. 

If I can't take care of my children and have to live in agony constantly, what's the point to living at all?  My children are my life.  I can deal with being sick if I have their smiles to drive me on.  I'm so tired.  I'm just so tired and I can't do this anymore.  In my eyes, family is all there is.  If I can't have mine, than what's the point?

Legal help?  Financial help?  It all seems so temporary, but what else is there?  Like a temporary fix to a permanent, ongoing problem.  I'm beginning to understand why people went to Dr. Kevorkian.  Quality of life is everything and when the scale of suffering tips too far on the side of agony and less and less on the side of joy, what's left?

So whatever help can be given, please, please think of us.  We are grateful for anything and everything. 

 

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Anonymous
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I'm sorry for everything you have been through. I have only just found your post today.
I hope something has changed in  your favor between then and now. If you have not checked already try catholic charities
and pparx 

also apply for social services and get financial/medical support for your and your children from the EX  - which he should be doing anyway.

 

BTW I know what you are going through and it is sad that our country has gone so far downhill, that even our families and friends care so little for eachother.  

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aFriendIndeed

Thank you Sassy57. You are the story of movies. Although my beliefs are a bit different, I am really trying to trust. The health stuff is really adding to it all I think. If I weren't so sick, I could work more and make more money. And I get fleeting moments of "ok" and I take on more, than I fall down again. I don't think those people in my life believe me. I guess if you look alright on the outside, you must not be sick. My mom is just starting to get it. My sister was always the cold one and me oversensitive. Why is it that she succeeded and I didn't? Maybe I should be cold and mean. Maybe I should close my heart and act like the politicians and ceo's. I'm beginning to think that the only way to succeed is to make no friends and "take no prisoners". Did I mention that she gives $15,000/yr. to her church? Did I mention that one year for my son's birthday she sent him a card with $1.00 enclosed. That was the only birthday card either of my kids ever got from her. Somehow part of me thinks that the $15,000 was done with the idea of tax writeoffs in mind. That's not to say that she doesn't "believe" that she's doing right, but is it? I always thought giving was supposed to be humble, without expecting. When I have given in the past (when I had something to give) I always did it anonymously. It made me feel like I had done something without expecting applause or praise. I will pray for you also. I just don't understand why good people suffer so. I don't know that I believe that all rich people will not see heaven. I don't really know if I believe in "heaven" persay even, but I do believe in karma that somehow we all reap what we sow. Maybe I am reaping what I have sown in past lives? Because if it's for this one, I'm reaping some harsh stuff for the things I did. I was bad for years, but never heartless....never hurt people intentionally. I hurt people with my own self-destructive behavior. Tis why I'm sick now, I know and I accept that. But I have worked hard to reconcile my past and I worked very hard employment wise to create a nice life for my children. I wasn't always sick or dirt poor. Now I'm too sick and I can't get help from anywhere. I always helped people...always. My beautiful fiance did do something to me last night that helped me feel better. He knows how to direct energy flow in the body through massage and he did some awesome healing for me. I feel like I can possibly face another day. I need to get outside and feel the sun on my face. I know you don't know me, but do the same. Feel the cool breeze and the sun on your face today. There is a G-d I know. There is a reason for all this I must believe. I believe that for you too. Love & Light to you.....

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SASSY57

DEAR AFRIENDINDEED, WHAT I HAVE READ ABOUT YOU, I COULD VERY WELL SAY, YOU'RE WALKING IN MY SHOES. I WAS MARRIED AT 14 YEARS OLD, I HAD 3 BABIES AT 17 YEARS OLD. TWO BOY'S AND ONE LITTLE BLONDE HAIRED, BLUE EYED GIRL. THEN ON DECEMBER THE TWELTH, THE YEAR NINETEEN SIXTYNINE, I HAD TO STAND AND WATCH THEM ALL THREE BURN UP IN A HOUSE FIRE. I WAS 19 YEARS OLD THEN. I WAS BON INTO POVERTY AND I'LL DIE IN POVERTY. BUT I'M 58 YEARS OLD NOW, AND PLEASE LISTEN TO ME, I'VE BEEN THROUGH EVERYTHING IN LIFE ANYONE COULD EVER NAME. I'M A CHRISTIAN, AND HAVE BEEN SINCE I WAS A SMALL CHILD. I JUST HAD SURGERY, I HAVE THREE SISTER'S THAT I HARDLY EVER HEAR FROM OR SEE, JUST MY HUSBAND AND ME. BUT I HAVE PUT MY FAITH IN GOD, HE ALWAYS KEEPS A ROOF OVER MY HEAD, FOOD TO EAT, AND CLOTHES TO WEAR. SO PLEASE PUT YOUR FAITH IN THE LORD AND PRAY. ASK HIM TO LEAD YOU AND GUIDE YOU AS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. IF YOU LISTEN IN THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING, YOU'LL GET YOUR ANSWER. GOD SAID FOR AS MUCH AS WE SUFFER ON EARTH IN HIS NAME, WE WILL REIGN WITH HIM IN HEAVEN. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THERE. THERE ARE SO MANY I WANT TO SEE, BUT FIRST OF ALL I WANT TO SEE JESUS, BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS NAILED TO AN OLD WOODEN CROSS WITH THREE OLD RUSTY NAILS, AND HE DIED THAT I MIGHT LIVE ETERALLY IN HEAVEN WITH HIM. BE PROUD OF YOUR CHILDREN, DO WHAT YOU CAN, AND GOD WILL MAKE A WAY FOR YOU. IF YOUR FAMILY IS WELL TO DO AND HAS MONEY, BUT DOESN'T HELP YOU, GOD ALSO SAID IT IS EASIER FOR THE CAMEL TO GO THROUGH THE EYE OF A NEEDLE THAN A RICH MAN TO EVER ENTER INTO THE KINGDOM OF GOD. THAT JUST MEANS THE RICH PEOPLE WILL NEVER SEE WHAT HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE. IF THEY HELPED ALL THE POOR PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, THEY WOULDN'T BE SO RICH. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS, AND I HOPE YOU PRAY FOR ME. SASSY57

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aFriendIndeed

This is another waste of time when I should be spending what little time I feel well with my children. And all the listings for grants and help....more scams and pipe dreams and window wishing for people who don't need it or even want it. I hope you all find what you're looking for. I know there is good in this world somewhere, but obviously I've been abandoned. My only hope is that my medicine will be paid for a little while longer and if not...than I'm screwed once again. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself and I'm sick of sitting here so sad for so many of us that have very basic needs we cannot meet no matter how hard some of us are willing to work, and most of all I'm sick of reading how our country continues screwing the middle class and leaving our country in poverty. You're either filthy rich beyond your wildest dreams or in poverty (or on your way there)nowadays. And if you don't believe it, read more people's stories...bet some of them thought they were "all set" at one point. Thank you BUSH and your whole god-forsaken ADMINISTRATION. Believe it people.... It wasn't like this at one time. Please read this link if you have the time....It says it all. http://www.afterdownings treet.org/?q=node/26405 Also, go to www.workingamerica.org PLEASE JOIN THE LIST THERE! Read the site and you'll understand why I ask this of you. They don't ask for anything, unless you are willing and able. If you are or were a working American citizen who wants change NOW....please go and read these sites. Thank you all for listening to me. I'm not sure I'll post again. I may come and see if there's any success stories. Saddest thing is...the people who CAN give....think they're "all set" and won't. Just imagine how they'll feel if they ever have to kneel like us. I feel sickened by it all. I once had...and I gave. Oh hell....maybe they're right...if I hadn't given, maybe I'd have more now? SICKENED. I have to sleep. I'm so tired, and sad and I just don't believe in humanity or that this G-d people preach even sees me. Maybe my children can still have it all.

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aFriendIndeed

My email keeps saying that I've received comments, but I've yet to figure out how to read them, with exception to the private comments. You may email me directly if you like or if someone can give me a hint. Thanks a bunch :)

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aFriendIndeed

Please read my profile. I can't do this anymore.

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